JC in India

This weekend, Vikas is getting married. He’s with his family in his hometown of Kanpur, which is about 250 miles Southeast of Delhi. It will no doubt be an elaborate affair, full of vibrancy, colour, and all the accompanying traditions that Indian weddings have. The pictures I have seen already are of him painted up with his family in what was likely some of the preceding celebrations.

Vikas is the day guard for this 4 apartment building I live atop, and apparently he only started working here shortly before I moved in at the end of January last year. It turns out he is only 22 years old and given the language barrier between us I know very little of his background and home life sadly. I would love to find out more when I can, and hopefully will get the chance to do so over the remainder of my time here.

He had invited me to the wedding but given the fact I would likely have been the only non Hindi speaker present it would have been more awkward and difficult for all concerned if I had gone, so I decided it would be best to give it a miss.

On Friday night though I used google translate to send him my best wishes for him and his future bride, which I am sure he will have appreciated. I don’t know if his marriage is for love or has been arranged – it’s a tricky question to ask via a translation app on my phone, the way we usually converse. I will try and find out when he returns. He has taken a month away for the whole affair, and it will be interesting to see how he is when he returns. From what I understand his new wife Anita will remain in Kanpur initially, and then follow him to Delhi a year later (if I understood that correctly).

I assume this wedding is a huge moment for him – be it arranged or out of love. His life as far as I can see comprises spending 12 hours a day loitering around outside this building, in ranges of temperatures from the highs of summer (it is 43 degrees C today), to the lows of winter when it goes down to close to freezing overnight. Aside from taking the odd delivery and turning on the water pump at various times of the day I am not aware the job comes with any other requirements other than to simply be present. I wonder what he really thinks about it all. There is no career progression to consider, it must be soullessly boring at times, and the pay will be a pittance by western standards. I don’t know what he actually gets, but my hunch is that it is somewhere around the £100 a month equivalent. He cycles to and from his home each day to come here – and ashamedly I don’t know where that is. I suspect it is in one of the neighbouring slums.

He shares the role with Pushpender, who is the night shift guard, both of them covering their respective 12 hours of 8 till 8. Pushpender seems the more senior of the two, although that could be just down to tenure in that he has worked here longer.

My landlady actually suggested I get Pushpender to clean my apartment instead of my current cleaner and pay him for odd jobs. Something he himself tried to ask for once. However, I did not go down that road as prefer to keep the current setup I have. It’s obvious though that he is seeking any chance to secure a few extra rupees income. He actually twice this last week came knocking on my door around 9pm asking if he could top up his water bottle as it had run dry. I had assumed there was a water source for him downstairs but seemingly not. In reality I think it was a ruse to ask for money, as the second time he sheepishly mentioned how he was going home for a few days the following week, and could I help.

A few weeks back he had actually been away for a while and I thought maybe he had left but it turned out he had been in hospital with dengue fever, from a mosquito bite. No surprise he had been bitten given the amount of mosquitoes that were around this last couple of months. It is a constant mission to keep doors and windows closed to prevent them entering, but for Vikas and Pushpender spending their days sitting outside or in the car parking area on the ground floor they would be constantly exposed. Particularly Pushpender on the overnight shift. I gave him a fan couple months back to help him stay cool, but it will also have helped with the mosquito problem to, blowing them away if he sat in the air flow.

There is no doubting that is a tough life. What do they see in their futures? What do they think of me and the other building residents. I hope they see me favourably as I always do my best to be friendly with them, something the local Indians would have less inclination for. Guards would be seen as lower level hence not worth the time or energy to invest with positive attention. I’m generalising there of course, but the bias would likely be in that direction.

The basic role, the lack of opportunity, the daily drone of dour routine, the pittance of salary, and having to watch the comings and goings of the people they are guarding, evidently living a more privileged existence helps me understand one key underpinning principle of Indian life though. The importance of family. 

If you don’t have much, and do not see a roadmap to much more, then having closeness of shared companionship becomes all the more important. Here in India, family is seen as a much closer bond than in many western societies. Often wider family groups will live together through their whole lives. Fathers and Mothers, Grandparents all sharing one roof, in an intertwined coexistence. I am aware of many of my Indian colleagues who live in such a set up. It is very much the norm.

And so, for Vikas and his whole family this weekend of marriage is all the more significant. Not only is he marrying his bride, but he is also linking two families together who will enter into a dance of future life that will never end. It is an elaborate affair for all these reasons. Yes, the anchor is the simple matter of two people getting married, but really it is much bigger than that. It is two families coming together to share their futures through this new bond. 

When daily life does not hold much excitement, the importance of this side of life is all the more amplified. Understanding that helps in understanding the reason for the sheer scale of such ceremony. And with 1.4 billion people in India that can make for a lot of ceremonies each year!

There are three separate events held in advance of wedding itself, starting with an engagement ceremony (the ‘sagai’ or ‘roka’ as it is known in some regions) where the families formally agree to the marriage and exchange gifts to mark the occasion.

Then there is the ‘sangeet’ ceremony, where the families come together to sing and dance in celebration of the upcoming wedding, followed by the ‘Mehendi’ ceremony, where intricate henna designs are applied to the bride’s hands and feet.

The wedding day itself typically involves several ceremonies including the groom’s procession to the event (the ‘Barat’), the giving away of the bride (the ‘Kanyadaan’), and then the joined up walking 7 times around the sacred fire, known as the ‘Phere’. Additionally lavish feasts will be served at each ceremony, and the attire worn by all will be elaborate and traditional, with the bride herself being adorned with jewellery, flowers and the obvious elaborate wedding dress.

All this takes time, hence why an Indian wedding is not a single day affair but goes on for a few days or even longer. I was invited to one of my bosses’ sons wedding last year, and although I couldn’t attend, the first part of the wedding was in Kochi one weekend, and the second was in Chennai the following weekend. Two cities over 400 miles apart.

Vikas’ wedding commences this weekend and goes until Tuesday with different events on each day. I can only imagine just how fatigued the family will be at the end of it all. Plus, there must be some pretty heavy costs associated with putting on such events given the attendance numbers will go well into the hundreds of people, if not more. I expect the whole of the village where Vikas comes from will be present, and feeding and partying all those people will be an expensive occasion. But given the importance and the landmark it is within the lives of the two families you can appreciate the reason such energy is devoted to it.

He will return in a few weeks a married man. I look forward to meeting his new wife Anita when she also comes to Delhi, and I hope to be able to learn more about him and his life back at home. It is a fine line to tread as to get too close invites exposure to opening the door to more favours being required, and then being harder to turn down. It is best to keep the boss/employee dynamic (even though he doesn’t work for me directly, the principle is the same). Although when I come closer to my leaving here, I think that will be the time to try and really dive deeper into who both Vikas and Pushpender really are, and what their lives are all about. That way I will have time to learn, and maybe help in some way more, but also not leaving enough time to see that exposure materialise.

My other home employee (albeit again indirectly), Sushmi the cleaner, I barely see. She comes in three times a week while I am at the office, so unless she comes before I leave, or I happen to be at home for some reason I virtually never see her. But she does a great job, and my apartment is always well looked after and clean (although remember everything here is relative…), so what she does is very much valued. But like Vikas and Pushpender, I am almost ashamed to say I know nothing about her either. She has limited English too, which makes it difficult. I once pointed at the bed saying no need to change the bedding that day, to which she nodded and smiled as if understanding. Only to find a few minutes later there she was stripping it all down. She was only trying to make it seem she understood me, when really she did not have a clue what I was saying! But she is nice. All three of them are, and a note to myself is to get to know them each a little better when the time is right.

I write all this on a hot and sunny Sunday afternoon, with my air conditioning whirring away keeping me in relative comfort.

The hum drum of daily life continues outside with the birds singing away, the dogs sometimes barking and the cows making the occasional moo. It is too hot to go out exploring now, unless for an errand or need. It is in the evenings when the animals emerge now really as the days are too hot for them to be active.

Yesterday I went to the local mall – the very western style Ambience Mall to refresh the work shirt collection, and also to have some dinner. A nicely timed late afternoon visit lends itself well to dinner in one of the eateries there, and a quick 100 rupee (£1) rickshaw ride home afterwards. Although it is like sitting facing a hot hair dryer in a rickshaw at the moment as the breeze is certainly not cooling…

I’ve been doing my Peloton beginner strength sessions on my iPad, and my six week program with ‘Matty and Olivia’ came to a close today. Thankfully I ditched the tins of beans and water bottle in favour of some real weights, which Mr Bezos kindly sold me. Although, the temporary guard while Vikas is away was not best impressed having to bring those up to the top floor apartment. I could see the struggle in his face and the curiosity of what was actually so heavy in that box. Trying to explain the principle of dumbbells to someone who has not even got one word of English in his vocabulary would have been quite a sight had that been filmed!

The coming week sees more office time, without travel (so far anyway), which is a nice break given the hectic last few months. I have three weeks now before I head away from Delhi again so me and my suitcase are having some nice time apart from each other for a while. It’s quite refreshing. 

Last Thursday evening saw a revisit to the Piano Man jazz club with some expat friends from work, and I continue to like it as a venue my second time there. Although the band this time weren’t as good as those from the first visit, but the ambience is nice and next time will be sure to go when the band playing is better – hopefully.

So, life goes on here in Delhi. Somewhere a few hundred miles away Vikas will be immersed in ceremony, and I really hope it is going well for him. For a while he will be the focus of attention, alongside his bride to be. It is a world apart from his daily routine here in Delhi, where he can be lost in the shadows at times. I hope he comes back all the better for it and that he and Anita will be happy in their future lives together.

“Agar ham duniya ko jeevan ke pyaar se dekhenge, to duniya apanee sundarata ko hamaare saamane prakat karegee.” 

[If we look at the world with the love of life, the world will reveal its beauty to us.] - India wedding blessing